Characters: Woman with a Gun (not a real gun) Neurotic Woman with a Cellphone (either stage ring or real ring) Postal Worker (Male or Female) with a dog A Dog Person (Male or Female) with a child A Child (Male or Female) Smoker (Male or Female) OK if audience cellphones are not turned off during play, but if they are supposed to be, gather cellphone numbers as audience enters, and call them during the play (many thanks, Paul Frank) Theatre exit door (this might not be possible if FD is alerted automatically, but bonus if alarm sounds), otherwise a door, theatre entrance, and a stage. The exit/stage door opens. Entrance, WOMAN WITH GUN. The exit/stage door opens. Entrance, a NEUROTIC WOMAN carrying a CELLPHONE, ringing. WOMAN WITH CELLPHONE (Addressing the WOMAN WITH GUN) It’s for you! Aren’t you going to answer it? A doorbell rings. No one answers it. A doorbell rings. WOMAN WITH GUN holsters gun, answers the door. A POSTAL WORKER enters with Owney the postal DOG. The phone rings again. WOMAN WITH CELLPHONE (addressing the audience) It’s your Mom. A PERSON WITH A CHILD busts in with a child (in a stroller, or held by hand) WOMAN WITH GUN I’m so glad you came! I guess Mom called. The cell phone rings. WOMAN WITH CELLPHONE It is your best friend. WOMAN WITH GUN gestures to POSTAL WORKER, DOG. S/he shakes her head. Then to PERSON WITH A CHILD, CHILD. (No.) (DOG chews on the phone. Or CHILD begins playing a loud game on the phone) SMOKER (enters, keeps door cracked open, prepares to light up) ALL No! WOMAN WITH GUN (Puts gun in mouth.) ALL screams (would be nice if someone screamed “fire” but not necessary) WOMAN WITH GUN It’s a squirt gun filled with vodka. (She takes a shot.) Want some? POSTAL WORKER WITH DOG, DOG and PERSON WITH A CHILD, CHILD EXIT through the entrance. Fin Just a reminder to turn off your cellphone, know the fire exits, quiet your children and pets, or take them outside (preferably through the entrance). We would prefer if you did not carry a weapon or drink during the performance. Please don’t smoke.