advertising verse

I've got some women'written chamber of commerce/advertising verse to write -- more local history / advertising verse than pre-jingle

The BBC recently published a funny-but-true list of the immutable laws of advertising... and readers sent in another hilarious set.

The BBC's list:

Men are obsessed with sex but will forego sex in order to watch football or drink beer.
Women are locked in a constant battle with their weight/body shape/hairstyle.
Career success is entirely based on your ability to impress your boss.
Mums are often harassed but NEVER depressed/unable to cope.
Any act of male stupidity (e.g. walking across a clean floor in muddy boots, putting the dog in the dishwasher, etc.) will be met with a wry smile, not genuine annoyance/anger.
Married men will flirt with other, younger women but NEVER act upon it.
Anyone with a scientific career will have a bad haircut and dreadful clothes.
If you work for the emergency services, you are a better person than the general population.
Elderly relatives NEVER suffer from senile dementia.
Scandinavians are, without exception, blonde and beautiful.
Women have jobs they never do in real life, e.g. dockworker (who looks like a model).
Children will not eat fruit or vegetables. Ever.
Both men and women find driving deeply pleasurable, never boring or stressful.
Men are inherently lazy/slobbish; women are the reverse.
Chocolate, however, will cause women to immediately fall into the languor of the opium eater.
Bank staff are (A) friends of the customers, and (B) of slightly above-average attractiveness (only if female).
Modern men own a cat.
Hot beverages have miraculous rejuvenating effects.
Professional people have strangely trivial preoccupations, e.g. a female barrister who is morbidly obsessed with finding a healthy snack bar.
All women (except stay-at-home housewives) have interesting and enjoyable careers.
Any over-the-counter medical product will work instantly and 100% effectively.
Children know more than adults.
Women never merely hop in and out of the shower, instead preferring to act out some sort of soapy Dance of the Seven Veils.
School is a happy experience for all children.
Tortilla chips are the most exciting experience any group of young people can experience.
Playing bingo is THE number one pastime among 18-25 year old British women.

From their readers:

Shop staff always greet you with a smile and answers your questions in a professional manner.
All dogs are happy and stupid. All cats have impeccable taste.
Mothers never ever shout at their offspring, and have endless patience.
Chocolate bars come out of hand bags/top pockets facing forwards, pause for a moment on their journey upwards in the half in/half out state (of hand bag/top pocket) and finally they are opened, perfectly, by simply pulling at the top outermost corner of the wrapping.
People who talk to the viewer never seem to be noticed by the people around them (i.e. their family, friends, co-workers).
If you have dyed red hair you are glamorous and sexy. If you have natural red hair then by all accounts you have a problem.
Cat food smells delicious to humans.
Bars are not sweaty, smoky places with very drunk people in them.
Shaving is always performed to music, semi-naked and accompanied by a blonde woman in a towel.
Young people always live in fantastic flats.
You only ever wash one item at a time in your washing machine.
It's possible to take great photos with a camera phone.
Pieces of chewing gum only ever fall from their packet in pairs into the hands of the gum eater.
It is totally acceptable and quite normal behaviour to go around kissing babies' bottoms.
Soldiering is portrayed as being on a challenging outward-bound course.
Any advert so obscure that you have no idea what it is about will be revealed to be a car advert in the final half-second.
Black people don't exist - or at least they don't buy anything.
Women suffer from constipation, men suffer from piles.
People with regional accents are always friendly and helpful.
Buying a sofa will not only improve your life beyond measure, it'll also make you and your family beautiful.
Teenage "sufferers" of acne will only ever have one completely invisible spot, for which they will apply a product which will not only clear the spot, but also miraculously solve all other social issues they might be having.
Slim, young, sexy, beautiful women are invariably and inexplicably married to frumpy, dumpy, pudgy - and quite often balding - middle-aged men.
If senior women are smiling and dancing they must be wearing an adult diaper.
Cars never sound like cars revving and changing gear, but the gentle sound of a hollow breeze.
Cats are always fed by women.
All people are heterosexual.
All vicars look like twits.
Married women are *nearly* sexy.
Dogs never sniff your crotch.
Technology works.


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