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"do you know which clothes even fit me"

working on my trobairitz poems (mostly Countess de Dia -- not sure if I'll to a sort of "all the trobairitz" thing or not), i.e., writing!!! for the first time in a while,

and reading the last poem of Iovis II, because it is a Countess of Dia poem,

mostly because "youth" and "joy" are both related to the Latin for Jove in Occitan

and these are important tropes for Dia that weren't as primary -- at least initially it seems, to Waldman (rather than power/sky/justice), but by the end of the poem, joy & justice vs. war is very clear

but what struck me yesterday is the "I didn't want to write/sing this" in many of the cansos (but other women, too, and not in Occitan)

from the Da3 experience, I carry forward the idea that so much of the writing in HERESY was writing under pressure -- from the Inquisition.

what is the pressure of the trobairitz, why don't they want to write?

they say: I would rather tell you this or sing this in bed, not as a message (written) -- but this seems more than a difference between desire for recording, publicity, remuneration, fame for the men and modesty, privacy, intimacy for the women (to put it as an opposition) -- and not merely "I miss you" either.

they say: I only want to write/sing happy things, and I am not happy -- sometimes "because you are away" -- this seems a sort of censorship, I ought to be doing this, which is appropriate, but instead, I am having real emotions

sometimes, this is because my husband died, sometimes this is because my lover died and/or is away and/or no longer loves me; sometimes this is because my courtly lover is inappropriate for my rank or me, his

they say: songs/writings aren't action, so they are a waste of time
they say: if you are so attracted by my songs, how easily will you be attracted by songs of others -- even in this, I am not specific, but generic (interesting given how few female trobairitz we have on record, b/w the extreme conventions of fin amours & writing it)

Castelloza: song wrecks love; I love what hurts me

it is expression that makes it less incohate, never gets it right -- is love more esoteric than anything (we have Dia remarking, I gave you love, should've gone with sex instead)?

does Castelloza love her song, then?